If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
