now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
