I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
