i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
