in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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