the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
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maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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