Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
