Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel