In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?