You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
