Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
