I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
