So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You ate ashes out of my bong
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
