my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize