You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
