I need to stop coming to work sober
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
