Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
