Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's like heaven, but drunker
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
