I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
