I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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