This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
