Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
