The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize