So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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