Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
