at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
