Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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