Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
