pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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