my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
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sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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