I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
