Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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