my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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