U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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