Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
