Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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