That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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