The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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