I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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