I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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