Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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