he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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