she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
