We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
