i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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