I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
