I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
