Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
