I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
