Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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