the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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