You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
