i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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