Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
