Tell her she can't have a vagina
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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