And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
