everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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