so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
